Anyone who’s known me for any period of time before last year, and especially during the 4 to 6 years prior but extending as far back as 17 years ago when I was with my very first girlfriend who at that time wanted to get married where I thought I was too young for it (I was 21 at the time), knows just on the surface everything that was going through my mind back then. I’ve never been the most open about feelings and sharing, and I hope in the long run this blog helps with that, it puts things out there but without having to be face to face.
I can put on a good false face as to being happy, but as much as I may have had decent times here and there, met some good friends and had good experiences, it’s always been my one single longtime dream that I had a family. Whether that family was just a wife, or the whole wife and children thing didn’t matter, I of course had a vision of children in my head but also knew that doing so would change so much and I thought maybe too much so it wasn’t a big concern at those times of contemplation.
I’ve had some decent accomplishments, from having my name and face in the paper, Air Force General’s handing me awards and receiving GIS certification from Ferris State University. Most were bogus political crap, nothing that really gets you anywhere in the long run but at the time sure seems like alot and weren’t without extending a little bit of effort, but let me add not too much; most were easy to get and really didn’t require too much work on my part, despite the “reward”, and so therefore nothing I’m that proud of.
In the early 2000′s I started my last downward spiral I hope to ever have, but boy was it a doozy. What most people don’t realize is just how far I let things get; my health and weight (I reached an all time high of 304 lbs), my finances (house was at one point in time six months behind and facing foreclosure, and my credit scores are at the bottom of the heap), my drinking (I could easily finish a fifth of Jack Daniels in a weekend if it even last a single night) and for the first time ever, I faced a DWI charge and jailtime (fortunately it was a bogus charge and was dismissed as I was indeed not drunk THAT night 
). When a friend of mine picked me up from the holding cell the next morning, first place we went…was to a bar. They were not good times to say the least. No one really knew though, because everyone either was part of the problem (my drinking buddies) or I didn’t feel close enough of comfortable enough sharing my problems.
I’ve never been able to go to my family about issues as quite frankly they make me feel even worse about it with all the nagging and talking down, even if they do “mean well” by it all, it’s not how I get help and definitely not what I respond to.
Fast forward to 2008…
One fateful day (I apologize for not having the memory capacity to remember the exact day) and one Rotting Agam’ar later I started talking with the one woman who would soon be my wife. I remember distinctly wanting to talk to her, had never spoken to her before though, so it was a step for me as I am usually the shy quiet one that never initiates conversation, however since it was for a Rotting Agam’ar and not “me wanting to talk to her” I felt comfortable doing it.
For the first time in my life, I actually installed (and used) a webcam on my machine, and me and her become good friends quickly. It soon blossomed into something more, of which every day was something I looked forward to waking up to, as I would get to talk to her again. Before her I had roughly 5000 minutes of rollover minutes, I finally had to give up my phone when I went 2000 minutes the opposite direction. Oops. I didn’t care though, it was well worth it. I distinctly remember celebrating with a huge glass of champagne the day we “got together”.
I had never before taken a trip on my own, more less drove more than two hours to get anywhere (except maybe a winery), so when I decided it was time to go see her in person, I knew it was special. After an eleven hour drive, I spent the best and most relaxing five days ever up in Springfield, Missouri, even if due to the weather we stayed inside mostly.
Fast forward to summer of 2008..
What would be the beginning of the completing of my life’s only dream and goal to date, she moved down to Texas to live with me. Seeing her arrive off the bus was magical.
She’s never not been able to bring a smile to my face and happiness to my heart.
In the winter of December 20, 2008, we were married and thus, she gave me what I’ve spent many hard, trying, and emotionally empty (yet painful) years looking for, and for this…I have no way to repay.
On March 12, 2009, she bore us the most wonderful newborn son, Gabriel. He definitely has an angel’s kiss on him.
Jessica, you are my life’s love, my one and only. Your happiness means everything to me. The future is ahead of us and we have lots of share and experience, and I want every single moment to be with you. I will always be here for you and will love you always. Our life together will be an awesome life.
I love you.
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